The Eastenders that the bbc will never show
by lozza1989
Summary: This is based on the original Eastenders but it's got swearing and more dirty bits in it. No Flames please.
1. Chapter 1

The Eastenders that the BBC Didn't want you to see

Disclaimer:This story is based on things that the BBC will never show on Eastenders. Be warned they can be quite stupid (but in a funny way).

Episode one:

"You know something Max, you're a dirty old fart who can't keept his dirty hands off 18 year old girls". Tanya and Max where having an Arguement over his ooh laa laa with Stacey.

"Look here you Bitch, I tried to end it but she kept on throwing herself onto me" he snapped. "DON'T YOU CALL ME A BITCH YOU FUCKING DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER" she shouted. "Stop swearing, Abi's looking through the window" Tanya looked and saw Abi peering through the window looking shocked. "You said naughty words" Abi Cried before running off. Tanya turned back to Max, picked up a newspaper, rolled it up and held it towards Max. "What you doing?" he asked with a very scared look on his face. "I'm gonna Bash your Brains in you Mother fucker" she said evilly, raising the rolled newspaper ready to strike. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Max Cried but it was too late, Tanya was hitting him over the head with the rolled up newspaper. "hahahaha take that Mother Fucker" she cackled. Max was crying and begging her to stop but she just ignored him. Soon she hit him so hard that he fell unnconcious and Tanya dumped him on the doorstep unaware that she was being watched by Abi who was hiding in the bushes. "I'll but your shit in plastic Bin liners" she said before shutting the door.

Meanwhile, Ian and Lucy where watching some very boring movie when Jnae came along and turned it off.

"Jane what do you think you're doing you Fucking Bitch?" Lucy demanded. "Hey Language" Ian warned. "This Movie is boring and it'll make the readers fall asleep" she explained. "Whatever" Lucy said, gesturing the w sigh "I'm off the chat online, there's this sexy 15 year old who wants to get to know me" and she flounced upstairs. "Oh No, she's going around shaggin boys again" Ian moaned. "Don't worry ina, this one is only a year older than her, not like that Bastard Craig who attacked that poor Patrick Trueman". Ian nodded in agreement and he and Jane canoodled. Lucy was chatting to new new online Boyfriend and where discussing Dirty things.

"Daddy wake up, don't die on me Daddy". Max came round and saw a tear-streaked Abi leaning over him. "Hello, who are you?" he asked. Abi Looked at Max with confusion. "It's me, Abi, you're Daughter, 11 years old, has a pet Guniea pig called Marge, has an older Sister who's name goes by lauren, 13 years old, has an attitude problem" Abi explained. "Hello Abi I'm Homer Simpson" he said. "No, you;re max Branning, My daddy" she said rather shocked. She helped the confused man to his feet and led him into the house where Tanya was smoking one off Max's fags.

"Mum what are you doing?" Abi shrieked in horror. "I'm trying to get rid of the pain by smoking fags" Tanya explained taking another drag. "Yeah, Look mum, Dad's had a nasty bump and he can't remember anything and he thinks he's Homer Simpson" Abi explained shoving a demented looking Max in front of Tanya who didn't seem interested. "Whatever, hey Abi love, fetch me a banana" she ordered. Abi wasn't going to let Tanya ignore Max's problem. "Mum, he's lost his memory and can't remeber who he is or who we are. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid" and she stomredo ut in a huff. "Hello love I'm Homer Simpson" Max smiled waving at Tanya. "Oh come on, I couldn't have hit you that hard" she whined.

"Incorrect, I do not recall being hit by a fine looking dame like you" and he growled in a frisky wave. "Look Max pretending you lost your memory won't make me forgive you, your shit is in Plastic bags". Max stood in the room looking confused "What, waht have I supposed to have done?" he wondered.. "YOU'VE BEEN SHAGGIN STACEY SLATER BEHIND MY BACK" Tanya called from the Kitchen. Max slapped himself on the head "Oh no, Marge is going to kill me".

"Dad, I don't think Abi's pet rat is set on killing ya" Lauren said who was peering through the letterbox. Max shrugged and went hunting for duff beer.

"PHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL GET YOUR FAT ARSE IN HERE NOW". Phil came into the living room. "What Mother?" he said bowing before a very angry looking Peggy Mitchell. "YOU HAVE HAD A CINESE TAKE AWAY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION YOU NAUGHTY MAN, YOU NAUGHTY NAUGHTY MAN" she shrieked. "So what?" said Phil Shrugging "I'm 42 years old, I can do what I like with out your permission" and he stormed out leaving peggy in a fit of rage.

Abi was sat on the lover's bench, crying her eyes out when Peter beale came along and saw that she was upset.

"Hey, what's the matter?" he asked. "Go away" Abi sobbed " I don't wanna see anyone". Pter sighed and sat next to her. "You want to tell me about it?" he asked. Abi wiped her eyes and looked at him. "Dad's lost his memory and mum couldn't care less" she sniffed. "What do you mean, lost his memory?" he wondered. "He was hit on the head and he can't remeber who he and he thinks he's Homer Simpson" she explained. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure he'll remember soon" Pter reassured the youngster. "Thanks, I'm gonna go home now" and she stood up and walked back to the house.

"Lucy, have you been shaggin this new fella of yours?" Ian demanded furiously. "Fuck off dad, I haven't been shagging around" Lucy cried in a very pissed off manner.

"Lucy stop lyig to me or I'll eat you up" Ian bellowed. "I'm not dad,he's a fucking moron and I told him to fuck off" and she ran outside.Ian's eye glowed red. He was turnig into a demon.

to be contiued...

So what will happen, will Ian become a demon, will Tanya quit smoking, will Max ever get his memory back? find out in the next episode of Eastenders.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Ian stood in the middle of the kitchen about to become a Demon when Jane burst in and hit him with the door making him fall over and become his natural self .

"Ian, you really shouldn't be stood in the door you dope" Jane tutted. Ian mumbled a very naughty word and went out. "YEAH, I'LL DO THE COOKING FOR FUCK SAKE" Jane bellowed. "Yeah, if you want" Ian answered, not looking back. Jane rolled her eyes into the back of her head and slammed the door making Bobby shudder. "We don't slam doors in this house you Fucking bitch" Lucy called the living room. "LUCY STOP CALLING ME A FUCKING BITCH" Jane shouted. Lucy shrugged and began flicking through the channels, not noticing Bobby who was smearing melted Chocolate in her hair.

Back at the Brannings, Max was slouched on the sofa eating Doughnuts and watching the sports channel. Tanya wasn't thrilled to see him lounging around, she wanted him out.

"To be honest my fine lady, I couldn't find the duff beer but I did come across this big box of Doughnuts" and he drooled in a Homer simpson fashion. "THAT'S IT" Tanya bellowed, snatching the half eaten Doughnuts of his lap and switching off the tv. "LOOK MAX, BEHAVING LIKE YOU'VE GOT MEMORY LOSS WON'T MAKE ME FORGIVE YA. NOW GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER BECAUSE YOU ARE OUTTA HERE". Max got up from the settee and farted "Fine, I'll go to moe's and see if there is any duff beer there" and he made his way into the front hall and was greeted by Abi "Da-I mean Homer don't go, my Mum's just stressed" she explained. "What's bothering her then?" Max asked the little girl. "My Dad did something he shouldn't have done and Mum's not to happy about it" Abi explained. "Well I think your dad is a very naughty man" and he went out the front door and headed towards the vic. Unable to stand seeing her Dad in this state, Abi went into the room to confront Tanya about Max's condition.

"Mum, he really has lost his memory, he got hit on the head earlier and he can't remember anything, he can't even remember the thing he's supposed to have done with Stacey" she explained .

"Abi, he's only pretenting that he's lost his memory just so I'll forgive him. Face it Darling, he's doing it for attention". At this rate, Abi's eyes filled with tears and she yelled "WELL MAYBE IF YOU'LL GET HIM SEEN TO THEN YOU'LL SOON SEE THAT HE'S NOT PRETENDING" and she fled upstairs "BY THE WAY, I'M RUNNING AWAY".

"Hello Max and what can I get you?" peggy asked as she approached the man who had lost his Memory after being hit several times over the head.

"Hello, I'll have a duff beer please, thankyou Moe". Mo had her name being called and shouted "why ya thanking me". Max turned to her and said "was I talking to you fatty?". Peggy heard this and sent Max flying into a pile of wine glasses. "Hey I want duff" max complained, getting to his feet and making his way back up to the bar."Look here Max Branning, I don't sell Duff now order some Beer that does exist or sling ya hook" she barked. Max placed a ten pound note on the bar and demanded "I paid for Duff beer and I'm going to get Duff beer". Peggy sigh, clicked her fingers and ordered her boald fat son Phil to drag max out of the pub.

"Come on max, I think you need to leave" Phil explained as he grabbed Max by the neck of his shirt. "I'm Homer Simpson pal" Max snapped. Not saying anything, Phil threw max into the street and he landed in a dustbin and fell asleep.

"BOBBY YOU LITTLE BASTARD, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE"Lucy had finally discovered the melted Chocolate that had been smeared into her hair. "Sorry Lucy" Bobby whimpered. Lucy roared and chased Bobby round the house and upstairs. "Ha, I've got you cornered now you little shit" Lucy taunted when she saw Bobby stood by an open window. He climbed on the window sill and jumped out of the window but he was ok because there was a trampoline right underneath and he bounced to the moon and landed in the bin where max had fallen asleep in. Bobby smeared more melted Chocolate on Max's boald head and climbed out to find Ian.

In the slater Household, Stacey was moping around, she missed Bradley.

"You can't keep moping around Stacey" said Steven Beale who had just randomly appeared. "Steven, where did you spring up from?" Stacey practicly squealed and jumping in shock. "I've appeared in a very random fashion" he explained.Stacey gave him a very weird look and said " You can scare people doing that.Want a biscuit?" she asked offering him a biscuit that had randomly appeared. "Thankyou" said Steven taking the Random Biscuit and eating it.Stacey took another Random biscuit that had just Randomly appeared and ate that also.

"I love biscuits that just apear Randomly" suggested Steven. Stacey nodded in agreement.

Lucy was in a strop, she had melted Chocolate in her hair and Jane was lecturing her about calling her names.

"Look Lucy you cannot go around calling people Fucking Bitches" Jane lectured to a very pissed of lucy who rolled her eyes in reponse "Whatever you fucking Bitch" she sighed. "Shut up, shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up". After six hours, Jane fell over from saying shut up far too much. Lucy nodded and headed out the back door and left jane a note which read. "I'm going round to Lauren's and don't try and stop me you fucking Bitch". Jane shrugged and burned the note.

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm Chocolate maaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh". Max had discovered the melted Chocolate that was smeared all over his head and was rubbing it off and licking it off his fingers.

"Ewwwwwwwwwwwww you're minging" shouted Dawn who was passing by and saw Max licking the Chocolate. "Want some babe?" he asked. Dawn shook her head and walked off.

Abi had a rugsack on her back and was heading out the front door but Tanya stopped her.

"Abi, don't run away baby " she begged. "Then get Dad seen to and you'll see that he is suffering from memory loss" Abi pleaded just as there came a banging on the door."Oh who the fuck is this?" Tanya muttered walking up to the door and answering it to a very pissed of looking Lucy.

"Is lauren in?" she asked with a wad of chewing gum in herm outh. "Yeah, she's in the front room come on in". Lucy smiled and strutted in. "As I was saying mum, get Dad seen to because I think he needs it" Abi demanded. "Look darling, Why don't you sit in there with Lauren and Lucy and I'll get some crisps out" Tanya said shoving Abi into the front room with two sulky teenagers.

Hours had passed by and Tanya hadn't returned from the kitchen and the three girls where getting impatient. "Abi, go tell mum to hurry up with the crisps" Lauren ordered. Abi got up from the chair and headed into the kitchen.

"So what's this thing that's gone off with your Dad and Stacey?" Lucy asked as Abi left the room. "It's comlicated" Lauren explained. Suddenly Abi burst into the room yelling "Mum's gone. The back doors open and she's gone". Lucy and Lauren jumped to their feet and ran into the kitchen. Abi was right, tanya asn't there and the door was wide open.

"She can't have got far, Abi get your coat, the three of us are going to look for her" Lauren explained. "But what about Oscar?" abi asked. "Oh yeah, but you're pushing the pram". Abi did a salute and went to fetch the baby.

So what will happen, will the girls find Tanya, will Max get out of that bin and will Lucy stop calling Jane a Fucking Bitch? find out in the next chappie.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"We'll never find her at this rate" Abi whined as she pushed Oscar's pram in front of her.

"We just need to keep looking, she might have gone to the shop" suggested Lucy. Meanwhile in the vic, Peggy was surrounded by snakes and she started shouting "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THESE MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHER FUCKING PUB". The Customers gave her weird looks and when they saw the snakes, they scarpered. The snakes then crawled over Tracy the barmaid and devoured her in a rather gruesome manner. Peggy was furious and murdered all the snakes.

The dead snakes where then empty into the same bin where Max was sleeping and when he saw all the snakes, he screamed like a little girl and ran away.

Elsewhere, Patrick trueman was in bed in his stripy Pjamas and was wearing some sort of weird hat on his head. Yolande came in with a tray full of snacks.

"Here ya go Patrick" she said in her strong jamacian accent. "Ya man, I like these treats" said Patrick in his very strong jamacian accent. Yolande then went for the door and Patrick yelled "Get me a pork pie, a big pork pie" he commanded.

"Patrick, we don't have any big pork pies" Yolande informed. "No excuses woman, I am Da King and you do what I say" he shouted. Yolande rolled her eyes and said "I see what I can do" and left the room. Patrick smiled and switched on the tv to see that his favourite show, Power rangers was on. "Ya man, power rangers" he said happily.

Ben and Jay were walking along the street when they came across the Dead snakes.

"Ewwwwwww they are gross" Ben informed. "And cool too" added Jay. He picked them all up aand head to the vic with Ben in tow. The two boys then snuck upstairs and planted the Dead snakes in Roxy's Knicker draw. "She's gonna scream when she finds them" Ben warned. Jay sniggered. Ben manged to force out a snort of humor also.

When they heard Roxy coming, they hid in the closet and listened for the scream. Roxy looked in her knicker draw and then it came. The Scream. Jay burst into laughter and so did Ben. Roxy tossed the dead snakes out of the window where they came to life and devoured an asian man who wore a turban.

"Lauren, let's just go back to ours, we can find mum tomorrow" Abi complained. Lauren turned round and headed back to the house with Lucy following, Abi managed to turn the pram around and follow the other two.

"All we could do is get some sleep and we'll continue searching in the morning" informed Lucy. Lauren and Abi nodded in agreement.


	4. chapter 4

Chapter 4

The next morning, Everybody in Albert square was awoken by the sound of wolfs howling, car sirens going off and old hags laughing like a bunch of witches. Phil Mitchell grabbed his baseball bat from his secret baseball bat stash and ran out into the street, where he clobered the wolfs, demolished the cars and slaughtered the hags.

"Do not cross the wrath of Phil Mitchell" he said in his gruff voice. Meanwhile, Max was wondered around the square looking dimwitted as ever when a pigeon pooed on his head.

"Graaaaaaaarrghhhhhhhh, why you little..." and he chased after the pigeon who flew far away to happy smiley pigeon land where he met a lovely lady pigeon named Ruby. They got married, had several children and lived happily ever after in their happy little pigeon house which was situated on top of the lollipop tree that was situated in happy lollipop lane.

Meanwhile, Ian beale was busy being a prat, he was waltzing with a mop whilst a stupid song was playing when Jane came down and watched him.

"Ian, you are the biggest prat that I have ever seen" she retorted making Ian cry and jump out of the window and die. Tanya still hadn't come home and the girls where getting worried.

"What have we ever done to deserve this?" Wailed Abi "she was acting very strangely lately and now she's gone". Lauren told Abi to shut up and that they must continue.

"Don't worry" said Lucy " we'll take my Lucy-mobile and we'll go look for her. Ok everybody..TO THE LUCY-MOBILE". So the three girls all jumped into Lucy's Lucy-mobile and drove off in search of Tanya.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I can fly". Max was stood on the top of a car and had his arms streched out. "I'm a bird, a big fat bird" he chanted. Jay brown threw eggs at him and that made Max cry.

"Waaaaaaaaah, I hate you, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

several hours later

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah". Many windows were broken because of Max. Elsewhere, Jean slater discovered she had a bad case of Banjo hands and everytime she got nervous, her Hands would start shaking that made it look like she was playing a banjo.

"Oooooooooooh, my hands are doing that thing again" she whined. "What thing?" her Daughter, Stacey asked. "That thing that makes it look like I'm playing the banjo" she whined. Stacey commited fake suicide. She actually jumped out the bathroom window, onto a trampoline, over the wall and slid down an invisible helter skelter.Also, Harry Hill made a apearance. He was in the chip shop and was hitting Mr Blobby over the head with a frying pan after he was attempted to steal Ian's fish and chips. Mr Blobby died and Harry buried him in Dot's backgarden. When Dot saw the gravestone, she fainted and Harry thought she was dead too so he attempted to bury her, but she woke up and punched Harry in the face.

"I'm not dead" she shrieked. "I can see that" replied Harry as he staggered about, clucthing his poor face. He decided to never return to Albert square again.

Ian came back from the Dead and discovered that Lucy had buggered off in her Lucy-mobile and went to look for her. So he put on his cat suit and brandished himself as "the Cat-man" amd jumped into his Cat-mobile. He chose peter to be his trustworthy assistant "woodpecker". Jane was left at home to cook, clean and wash Ian's underpants (yuck).

"Still no sign of her" Lauren suggested. The girls had driven to an old wasteland to see if they could see Tanya anywhere.

"This is useless, we'll never find her" Abi moaned. Suddenly, Lauren gasped and pointed out at something. A man dressed as a cat was walking towards them and aproached Lucy.

"Who are you?" she asked. She was scared. "I'm Cat-man" the man replied. "And I'm woodpecker" said his assistant. Abi and lauren hugged each other in fear. Lucy tried to act brave but she too got scared and joined Lauren and Abi in the hug.

"W-w-what do you want with us?" Abi wimpered. "We've come for Lucy" he said. "Ohno, i'm not going anywhere. Where on a mission to find Tanya and you ain't gonna stop us you over grown feline" and she and the branning sisters jumped back into the Lucy-mobile and drove off.

"So, what are we going to do now?" asked Woodpecker.

"We follow them, try and help with the mission. Come Woodpecker, to the Cat-mobile" and they jumped into the Cat-mobile and drove off.


	5. Chapter 5

chapter 5

Phil was in the kitchen making some pancakes, he loved pancakes and Ben was in the kitchen helping him make pancakes.

"I love making pancakes with you dad" said Ben as he flipped a pancake which unfortunatly got stuck on the ceiling and it fell down, landing on Phil's head. "Oh man, why does this always happen every time I make pancakes" Phil whined. Ben shrugged and Phil jumped out of the window (he didn't die because his body is so strong that it's like armour or something like that).

Elsewhere, scruffy Keith Miller had stolen a horse and he was riding around walford on it.

"I'm on a high horse, woooooooooooooooooooooo, I'm on a high horse" he sang. Some one shot him and took the Horse. "That's what you get for Horsenapping punk" said the masked assasin who jumped on the horse and rode far far away. Keith was dead and everybody was happy. "Nooooooo, i'm gonna get that guy who shot my dad" yelled Darren. He ran away to seek the person who killed Keith, he wanted revenge muhahahahahahahahaha.

Meanwhile, Lucy,Lauren and Abi were still not having any luck finding Tanya. They were unaware that Cat-man and Woodpecker where following them.

"Where are we anyway?" Abi asked as they looked around an old abandoned wasteland thing.

"Well, according to my calculations, we are in a wasteland" protested Lucy. "You won't get far without us" came a voice. The girls looked around and there stood Cat-man and Woodpecker.

"Have you been following us?" Lucy asked, placing her hands on her hips."Yes, we have come to help yoou find Tanya, you cannot do it alone" said Cat-man. "Ok, but we get to ride in the Lucy-mobile" Lucy demanded. Cat-man rolled his eyes and agreed.

"Dodododododododododododododododododododododdododododododododdodododdodolalalalalalalalalalalala" Max sang as he danced around walford in a bikini (arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh runaway). While fat Heather trott watched him whilst eating lard. "Why are you doing that?" she asked him.

"Because I'm stupid" and he danced away and sang. Heather threw up and she became skinny. "Yay, I lost weight" she squelaed like a girl and ran to Ibiza to celebrate her skinnyness.

That's it for today folks, what will happen next, will Lucy find out that Cat-man and Woodpecker are her dad and Brother?, will Tanya be found?, will Max stop acting like a prat?, will Darren find the man who killed Keith?. Find out in the next chapter of this funny and Random story.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter six

Chapter six

Cat- man, Woodpecker, Lucy, Lauren and Abi had arrived at a desert somewhere in china.

"Your Lucy-mobile has taken us to China" Cat-man stated. "Well, it's not my fault" protested Lucy "the Lucy-mobiles always decides where to go. It came to a desert in China because it senses that Tanya is somewhere around here". Abi cheered and started dancing around in unison as did Lauren.

Back in walford, Max was having a wonderful time. He was sunbathing from the roof of the café and a bird pooed on his head.

"WHAT IS THAT, WHO DARES TO POO ON HOMER SIMPSON'S HEAD?" he bellowed. "Me" said the bird. "Arrrrrrrrgh, I'm going to kill you" shouted Max as he attempted to chase the bird but fell of the roof in the process and bounced back up because he had landed on a trampoline that appeared for some random reason. He then started to do Belly dancing.

In the Vic, Phil was eating his own body weight in salted peanuts. "Man, I love salted peanuts" he sighed as he shoved a handful of salted peanuts in his mouth. Ben came along and saw the peanuts.

"Hey" he said "salted peanuts, I love salted peanuts. Can I have some?" he asked. "Yes my boy, dig in" replied Phil. So Ben and Phil ate Salted peanuts together and the world was saved from the menacing blob at the same time.

Back in China, Cat-man, woodpecker and the girls were searching the Desert for Tanya.

"Oh, where is she?" Abi moaned. Just then, Lauren pointed something out. "Oh my giddy aunt" cried Lucy. They had found Tanya who was buried up to her neck in sand. "Help me" she called. Cat-man and Woodpecker raced towards her.

"Have no fear, dear. We have come to save you" explained Cat-man. "Who the hell are you?" Tanya asked in deep confusion. "I'm Cat-man" he replied in his mysterious voice and swishing his cloak. "Great, I was wondering when some cool superhero would come along and save me" she replied.

"What happened to you?" asked Woodpecker. "Well, I was in the kitchen back home getting some crisps for the girls when I was kidnapped by the masked demon; he took me back here and buried me up to my neck". Just then, the girls could be heard screaming. Cat-man jumped round and saw none other than the masked demon holding Lucy, Lauren and Abi hostage.

"Well well Cat-man, we meet again, bwuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahha".

Bianca Jackson had received a brand new megaphone that she ordered of EBay.

"I wonder how you turn it on" she said as she fumbled around with the buttons. "Let me" said her Daughter Whitney, grabbing the megaphone from her and switched it on. "Thanks Whit" replied Bianca.

"Shout through it mummy" little Tiffany demanded. Bianca raised switched on megaphone to her lips and yelled into it "RICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY". The windows smashed, Whitney fell to the ground, covering her ears and Tiffany was blown away. "This will defiantly come in handy" said Bianca proudly. "Yeah, by deafening the whole world" replied Whitney sarcastically.

Back in the Chinese desert, Cat-man, Woodpecker and the girls where now buried up to their necks in sand.

"You won't get away with this, masked demon" informed Cat-man. "Oh, go play with a ball of string, I'm plotting to rule the world and you can't stop me because you're buried in sand, ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha" replied the masked demon. He then turned on his very powerful jetpack and flew intot he sky.

"What are we going to do now?" Lauren asked. "Well, find a way to get out of here, stop the masked Demon and save the world".

So, will Cat-man, woodpecker, Tanya and the girls save the world from the evil masked Demon, will Ricky fall victim to Bianca's new megaphone and will Max ever be his normal self again?, tune into the next chappie to find out.

.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ricky was making some lunch, minding his own buisness, unaware that a certain, loud mouthed red head with a megaphone was sneaking up on him. He was just about to put some eggs in the pan when all of a sudden

"RICKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY". The loud voice shouted in his ear, causing him to drop the eggs.

"Fuck sake Bianca" he shouted "don't scare me like that you bitch". He told her to leave the kitchen when she then admired the new megaphone.

"I love this thing" she said as she stroked it.

Meanwhile, back in the desert, Tanya, Catman, woodpecker, Lucy, Lauren and Abi were still buried up to their necks in sand.

"We must get out of here and stopped the masked Demon before he destroys the world" catman ordered. "But I'm tied up and I cannot move my arms" lauren shrieked. "Join the club" Lucy replied.

Dot was in her lovely home, watering her plants when there was a knock at the front door.

"Ooooooh, I wonder who this is" she said to herself, walking to the door. She opened it and there stood the person she dreaded to see, Nick.

"Ello ma, I've come to kill ya" he announced, taking out a machine gun. Dot put up her hands. "Oh lord save me". Meanwhile, Max branning was more doolally than ever. He was on the roof of the cafe singing.

"You can dance, you can try, having the time of your life, oooh, watch that scene, diggin the dancing queen" he sang. Varies residents gathered around as he tapped dance on the roof.

Dot was tied up and Nick was rummaging through her drawers.

"Alright ma, where's the money?" he demanded, pointing his machine gun at her.

"I don't know, it's Bradley's and I don't know where he put it" Dot replied. "YOU LIE BITCH, NOW SHOW ME THE MONEY" Nick roared "if you don't show me the money, I will kill you, bwuahahahahahahahaha, bitch". Luckily, Harry Hill came in and hit Nick on the back of the head with a frying pan and untied Dot.

"Ooooooh, My hero" Dot said, Hugging Harry Hill. "No problem Dot" Harry replied and he dragged the now knocked out Nick out the front door and dumped him in a skip. He even stole his machine gun.

"I like this, I think I will keep this myself" and he ran off with the machine gun.

Max was twirling around the square like a ballerina when he came across Nick in the skip, but Max didn,t know he was evil and pulled him out.

"Don't worry, I will look after you" he said as he carried the nasty bastard called Nick to his house.

Little Tiffany was hoping around when she encountered the masked Demon.

"Hello there little one, do you know where I can find this man?" he asked, showing her a photo of nasty Nick. "Why?" Tiffany asked. "Because he's working for me and I need him" the masked Demon growled.

"I've never seen him before" tiffany replied. "You haven't,ok then, but you are coming with me".

"Why?" Tiffany asked. "Because I'm a super villain and we always get hostages and you're that hostage". Before Tiffany could say anything, the masked Demon grabbbed her and they vanished in a magic poof.

Nick had now woken up and was having tea with a rather dopey Max.

"Would you care for a duff beer?" Max asked. "There's no such thing, it's what Homer simpson drinks" Nick replied. "I am Homer Simpson" Max declared like a stubborn child. "Shut up, you are not Homer Simpson"Nick said. Max nodded. "Yes I am and don't you forget it". Nick rolled his eyes and his phone rang.

"Mind if I take this?" he asked. "Do whatever you want, I don't care" Max replied, staring into space. Nick declared him a weirdo and went outside to answer his phone. "Yes Boss, it's me, I'll be right over, what was that, we have a hostage, interesting, a little girl hmmmm, interesting" andh e put his phone away and went to search for the masked demon.

Oooooooooh, what will happen, will little tiffany be saved from the evil masked demon and nasty nick, will tanya, catman, woodpecker, lauren, lucy and Abi get out of the sand and will Max ever recover from being such an idea, find out next time.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The story so far: nasty Nick came and tried to kill Dot but Harry hill saved her and we discovered that Nick was working with the masked Demon who had kidnapped Tiffany and Max was still acting like a idiot.

Nick found the masked Demon at his secret cave outside of walford. Tiffany was tied to a chair.

"Hello Nick, welcome to my lair" said the masked Demon.

"It is an honour to meet you masked Demon" said Nick,shaking the masked Demon's hand. Tiffany was struggling but the two villains ignored her.

"What's the plan?" Nick asked,keen to know the plans of the masked Demon.

"I plan on taking over the world, and then the whole world,muahahahahahahahahahahahaha."

Meanwhile,Ronnie was dragging Roxy around the square by her hair because she was mad at her for spending time with Jack when Danielle came up to her.

"Ronnie, can I talk to you?" she asked.

"Not now Danielle" Ronnie replied "I'm kind of busy."

"But it's important,please." Ronnie let go of Roxy's hair (which was now in a mess) and walked to Danielle.

"What is it that you tell me?" Ronnie asked,placing her hands on her hips.

"I don't know how to tell you this,but,I'm your Daughter." That moment,Ronnie didn't know what to say.

"Prove it" she said,folding her arms,so Danielle showed her the locket and the picture of Ronnie inside.

"See" said Danielle "I am your Daughter." Ronnie then squealed in delight and hugged Danielle like a doll. Archie came across the road and was very Angry to see Ronnie hugging Danielle.

"No, Ronnie get away from her,she's mental" Archie cried as he ran across the road,only to be hit by a car that was speeding. He flew in the air like a ragdoll and dropped to the ground dead.

"Phew, thank god for that,he was a nasty Arse-hole"Ronnie said.

"I agree" added Danielle "he was trying to stop you from finding out about who I was." Ronnie and Danielle left and a big,black bear came along and ate Archie's dead body. Danielle took a photo of the bear eating Archie.

Menawhile,back in China,Tanya,Lucy,Lauren,Abi,cat-man and Woodpecker were out of the sand and were on their way back to Walford to try and stop the masked Demon from taking over the world.

"We must stop the masked Demon before he rules the entire world" informed Cat-man.

"Too right" said Lucy.

"Hey,where's oscar?" Tanya asked,noticing that oscar wasn't with them.

"We left him, oh my god" said Lauren. Tanya slapped lauren round the chops and grounded her until the end of the world.

"I'm so gutted and ashamed" said Lauren. Abi was also punished aswell forever and she wept.

"We are so sorry" she begged. Tanya slapped both girls round the chops,then ate a chocolate bar half her size and became very fat for about five seconds before spewing up and becoming slim again.

Peggy was looking for Archie because she didn't know that he had been run over and eaten by a bear when Danielle and Ronnie came running in.

"Hello, have you seen Archie?" she asked them.

"Peggy,this is my Daughter" said Ronnie gesturing to Danielle.

"But Archie said you were dead" said Peggy in a horrified voice.

"He was lying Peggy,he's a big fat liar" Ronnie admitted.

"Where is he , I'm going to give him one of my famous Peggy Mitchell slaps" said Peggy.

"There's one problem" said Danielle.

"What, I've got some slapping to do" said Peggy.

"It's about Archie,he's dead" Danielle confessed.

"What?" asked Peggy. Ronnie nodded.

"It's true, he got run over by a car then got eaten by a bear, Danielle show her the picture." Danielle showed Peggy the picture of a dead Archie being eaten by a bear.

"Well, I'm glad he's dead, he deserved it" admitted Peggy proudly.

"I know, let's have a party" Suggested Ronnie. Peggy and Danielle looked at each other.

"What for?" they both asked.

"To celebrate Archie's death and the fact that I've found my daughter" Ronnie admitted.

"Sounds good to me" suggested Danielle.

"Yeah, come on, let's have a big party" added Peggy. So, Peggy,Ronnie and Danielle had a big party and got really Drunk and all three of them passed out on the living room floor, but it was worth it. The next morning, they all woke up with big hangovers and were queing at the toilet all day long to puke up.

"I'm making a fry-up" said Danielle as she walked into the kitchen.

"Why?" asked Ronnie.

"Because Stacey said it gets rid of hangover" Danielle replied "so, who wants some?." Ronnie and Peggy dived at the table to show that they did want a fry up.

"Ok, that's three fry-ups that need to be made" said Danielle as she started getting the stuff to make the fry-up.

"Why three?" asked Peggy.

"because I want one aswell" Danielle replied. So, they all ate a big fry-up and their Hang-overs vanished like magic.

Meanwhile,Dot had found out that Dotty was evil so she started throwing holy water on her.

"I'm going to kil you,old woman" Dotty snarled.

"Silence devil child" Dot ordered as she sprinkled her with holy water "the power of christ compels you,the power of christ compels you."

"SHUT UP GRANDMA" Dotty yelled.

"You are truly your Father's Daughter, you are just like him, devil Dotty" Dot said.

"Me and dad will kill you. Victory will be ours" Dotty declared.

"Lord save me, I'm looking after the omen" said Dot in shame. Dotty laughed like a maniac and smashed Dot over the head with a plastic box.

"Ooooooh, I say" said Dot,rubbing her head as Dotty ran out the house still laughing evily.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

What happened so far: Ronnie found out that Danielle was her Daughter,Archie got run over and eaten by a bear and Dot discovered that Dotty was evil.

Dot chased after Dotty shouting "Stop devil child, I must throw holy water on you."

"Oh get lost you old bat" Dotty spat then laughing manicly "me and dad will destroy you, grandma,muhahahahahaha" and she continued running across the square with Dot chasing after her, only Dot got a pain in her side because she is old and couldn't continue running after Dotty so she went home defeated much to Dotty's delight.

Meanwhile, Max was goofing around as usual in the cafe and Jane was getting increasingly annoyed with him.

"Max Branning, will you kindly stop doing the can can on the table" she bellowed.

"No" said Max "I'm doing this for charity."

"What kind of charity?" Jane demanded,hands on hips. Max stopped dancing and looked sheepish.

"Good point, there is no charity."

"Exactly" said Jane "Now kindly step down from the table." Max nodded and stepped down from the table and sat on the chair.

"Can I have a plate of Doughnuts please?" he asked with a cheesy grin.

Dot had gone upstairs to take some painkillers for her side, when she came down, she was quite suprised to see Nick holding a duster and wearing a pink pinny with frills.

"What in gods name are you doing?" she asked, quite suprised.

"What?" he decalred "ain't I allowed to do abit of cleaning ma?" he asked.

"I'm just suprised to see you in a pink pinny and mine also" Dot replied.

"Yeah so am I" he replied "but I sure look Damn sexy wearing it." He started dusting round the fireplace much to Dot's horror.

"Right, I've finished. Now I shall do some vacuuming" and he grabbed a vaccuum, switched it on and began to sing.

"I want to break free, I want to break free" he sang. Dot fainted in shock and Nick vacuumed over her on purpose.

"Take that, ma." He spat on her and kicked her. "Stupid old bat."

Mo was hunting round the sofa when she came across a left over pizza which couldn't have been no more than five years old. Mo didn't care anyway and started eating it,much to Jean's horror.

"You do know that pizza is five years old" she told her. But Mo kept on eating it.

"So, I love it, I don't care if it's five years old." Jean threw her arms up in the air defeated and went into the kitchen, leaving Mo to finish her five year old pizza.

Peggy was making some pancakes when Danielle came into the kitchen and smelled the sweet smell of pancake mix.

"Oooh, are you making pancakes Peggy?" she asked.

"yes, I am" Peggy replied.

"Can I help?" Danielle asked.

"Sure you can" Peggy replied . Danielle smiled and started to help Peggy make some pancakes. She flipped hers and it landed on Peggy's head.

"Ooops" said Danielle blushing "sorry."

"It's ok darling " Peggy said "accidents happen."

Mo got a really bad stomach ache after eating the five year old pizza and spend the next five hours in the toilet.

"I told you not to eat that pizza" Jean said from outside the door "now you've got food poisoning."

"Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh" said Mo.

"I'll come back later" Jean said.

Dotty was in the cafe with Nick.

"Where's gran?" Dotty asked.

"She passed out when she saw me wearing her pinny and I ran over her with the hoover" Nick replied. Dotty laughed evily.

"Brilliant, we'll soon be rid of the old hag."

"You've read my mind" Nick said,grinning evilly. Dotty did the same.


End file.
